My name is Jordan. It has been 8 years since I updated this, so I will push it down and show you how much further I have come, relatively soon, if you can be patient with me please. ~ April 2023
It's nice to meet you and have an awesome day!!
Please feel free to check out my channels on the Audio Art page to listen to my Art or my Youtube channels for Book Readings.
Be Kind To Your Self & Treat Others With Kindness
I have disorganized schizophrenia, so I like to raise mental health awareness as well as create audio and visual artwork.
I wrote a philosophy/poetry book, after having spending years recovering from vivid hallucinations.
I wrote it when I was 27 years old. If you want to read it, click the words of this sentence.
It's pretty interesting if you're interested in seeing how the mind of an imaginative visualizer likes to portray existence. In many of the same respects, I find my self fascinated by my own musings, I would begin to hope you might, too.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
Anyways without further ado:
This will be an account of my journey into schizophrenia, what I experienced, Who I met, How I thought, How it affected my behavior, What I felt and how it has affected me afterwards now that I am medicated.
It is meant to be truthful, if you have any questions or wish to make a connection simply message me.
I will periodically include pictures, many anecdotes, dive in to the world of art briefly, and explain how I sometimes miss being schizophrenic.
My story also includes my ex-girlfriend that was with me for a lot of it. I believe she may have some type of schizophrenia, too, because I was easily able to convince her many of my beliefs. There is a term for this, and it is:
Folie à deux ( French for “a madness shared by two”)
There are 3 prominent symptoms of disorganized Schizophrenia. They are:
· Disorganized speech
· Disorganized behavior
· Flat or inappropriate affect (emotional expression and response)
I wish it was as simple as that, but at least for me, it become quite complicated. Anyways, let us begin.
WARNING: This story contains drug use. If this offends you, please stop reading now.
Story
How I learned I had schizophrenia.
I must have been about 16 years old when I first tried out using the term in a journal entry of mine. I used to use anything I could get my hands on to vent my thoughts. Friends, Internet Blogs (Xanga, Livejournal), colored composition notebooks.
It was a suggestion as to why my thoughts are always so random. I would write poetry about the moon cracking into pieces, gaining personalities and then attacking the earth, thus ending all life, so on and so forth.
I remember using a lavender color shading when I wrote that poem and then wrote to myself, “I wonder if I have schizophrenia?”
I wouldn’t learn until 7 years later that I actually did have it. After visiting a few doctors and psychologists and then taking some long memory and short math and language arts tests, I was diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia.
The signs of development
During my stay and initial trek into solo exploration of life, I was staying at my best friend’s house in Mid-Cities, Texas. They had a large family of 8 living in one roof, plus me. Very complicated! Anyways. I had taken up a particular interest in metaphysics, and essentially how the universe exists and why it should or shouldn’t. I had formed a few theories, but besides all of that life was going swell. I was working at a pizza shop as a delivery driver and had just tried ecstasy for the first time, which heavily inspired me into my first artistic endeavors.
Among things I believed during these pre-mature times, was that I had witnessed a black hole open up close to the microwave one evening, and that I could meditate into my soul and lose sense of reality, being aware of myself only as a floating orb of light.
Prior to meeting my ex-gf, I had been hitting up rave clubs, experimenting with psychedelic drugs, DJing, and a bit of music production. We met online, and I had recently just watched a video about something called a Twin Flame. Apparently it is something like a soul mate, but even better. Very new-agey.
Within the first month or two of us hanging out every week, I finally decided and felt it was right to tell her she was my Twin Flame. I showed her the video and she became enraptured with the idea. We were inseparable after that, and as I finished up my first music project, “Just a Thought”, my creativity really blew apart into pieces I would spend the next two years picking up.
Going to college
Being in college now, I had given up my life in Mid-Cities to move to Denton Texas and pursue a degree in philosophy with my girlfriend. I was deep into the culture of metaphysics and auras, chakra systems and the whole “you are one with the universe” mindset. I was a crystal collector, and liked to meditate a lot. My girlfriend’s initial reaction was mostly passive, she thought it was interesting at best but didn’t share all of these loves of mine. I began to believe in Buddha, Shiva, Vishnu, Avalokitasvara, Ganesh, and many other eastern gods and goddesses. I believed they were all in a hierarchy in the heavens above us.
My mind constantly raced with musical possibilities. I would convince her I was hearing myself in the future and the music I would make. Soon she begin to ask what it sounded like, then assuring me she could hear it. I would spend hours explaining the possibilities of the software I was using at the time and man, was it just hours? It would be days and months that passed before I began to simmer down with all that kind of talk. I began to believe I was invisible and nobody could see me. I would take walks as an invisible being. I felt like I had been sent from the future and that I was an enlightened one, sent here to make sure humanity evolves without too much trouble.
I believed we would ascend to a higher dimension and become gifted with abilities beyond our imagination, unlocking our minds and hearts and living in peace and unity. I dreamed of discovering galaxies at the edge of the universe, exploring every nook and cranny for 100 billion trillion years, until the gates of infinity opened and took us to another universe, experiencing endless possibilities of new, grand things. If it was a particularly horrifying universe, I believed we would be able to experience it safely with our highly evolved bodies and technology, and still be able to enjoy it.
I saw geometry everywhere and soon I got an artistic burst from out of nowhere that really started a style I still use in my current work. Later I learned it was just a way to channel my schizophrenia.
To detail it, I would draw patterns while listening to music, believing I could “capture” a secret picture from the music based on drawing according to the rhythm or intensity of the song. I would listen to DJ mixes and draw for hours a day. Much of my artwork was based on the inner mind, and I even believed that what I was creating was coming to life in a literal sense. I believed in astral realms and realms made of ether, and that I could manipulate them. This belief intensified as time went on.
Anecdotes
This is a collection of experiences, some recurring, that happened to me that I believe to be related to schizophrenia.
One of the most notable experiences I had was while I was alone at home while living in a 4 person student apartment home.
I was in my room alone, pondering things and relaxing in a gaming chair. I leaned back, and my brain began to melt. I had been playing super smash bros. recently, and thought it was strange that I, a human player, could manipulate another character on the screen of this video game by using a controller. I felt that it was analogous and proof of a higher god that could peer into my life at any time he chooses, and could possibly even be controlling me. “How can my brain be interacting with these characters on the screen to give them commands?” I thought. As I lay back in the chair thinking of this, suddenly it felt like I went into warp drive to the edge of the universe only to discover nothing. Nothing but an altar-version of myself, sitting in the same gaming chair, except this version was incredibly evil. He was a space commander, in a gigantic holographic spaceship, traveling through the universe. I sensed blackness all around me and my head was swirling. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like a negative infinity ego death. It was absolutely terrifying and lasted a few minutes.
After that, I baked a pizza and was absolutely convinced the pizza had changed shape and the pepperonis now resembled a heart, which was a special gift to me from the aliens (I believed in a benevolent civilization of aliens from the Pleiadian star system that was watching over our planet, and me and my girlfriend especially). I tried to convince my girlfriend of the pizza, but she found it ridiculous.
Following this experience, at least three more big things happened that I will remember forever.
I owned a grey alien incense holder that held the incense stick at an angle like a flag. One day I had a small ritual of lighting the incense, and an idea began to spawn that I could see through dimensions, and what I had experienced on the chair was my negative eighth dimension self.
I had a series of video games called Megaman X, ranging from X to X6. I pulled out the game disc containers and began to stack them like a spiraling staircase, believing this to be the correct order of layered dimensions. As I stacked them, I realized that the 8th dimension was the gateway to all the other dimensions, being that 8 sideways is infinity. I got a pencil coloring box and the grey alien and began to put things in the box, believing to be under psychic control from the being and that I must appease it with gifts in order to prevent it from destroying the eighth dimension and the gateway to infinity.
I felt like I had dabbled with some forces I should not be getting into and very guilty and horrified I would screw something up. I was a mess, and had virtually no coherent thoughts. My girlfriend learned of this, and called a spiritual healer we knew through the grapevine. He was apparently a previous student of an artist named Alex Grey (A talented psychedelic artist) named Jason Estes.
He drove out to us and asked me to come outside due to their being too much “negative” energy in the house. I went to our apartment’s basketball court and he had me sit down and gave me a healing angel to hold to try and balance my energy. I could barely even hold it, I was so anxious.
He “healed” me, told me he saw a giant spirit butterfly which was a good sign, and to be careful because between my girlfriend and I, we had enough power to split the universe. I looked up and associated his advice with a tarot card reading I had recently received involving chaos.
The third experience was again related to some stimuli I had received while reading about conceptual spirit science.
I had seen a picture of a human being exploded into guts by Alex Grey, and read a description about how it was the destruction of this being that allowed it to reincarnate later in time as a great spiritual healer.
Anyway, I was at home with my girlfriend and around midnight I began to feel all the energy from heart drain downwards like a spiral. It emptied, and then I felt a black hole in its place. I became extremely reflective of my life, and a voice began to tell me that I was about to die a violent horrible death and that I was going to explode like the person in the picture book, but it was a necessary death that would be for the good of humanity. I felt scared that I would leave this world so suddenly (and probably painfully), and also I felt bad that someone was going to have to clean my guts from the wall.
I tried to explain it to my girlfriend but she believed it to be ridiculous. I locked myself in my room waiting for the final moment, and made just a few phone calls. I didn’t explain that I would die though, but I felt a lot like Jesus in the sense I would be dying for the greater good of humanity. I felt at peace with it very quickly, but by about 12:15 am, I realized maybe it wasn’t going to happen. I felt spared and emotional, ended up getting in a fight with my girlfriend and being locked out of her room.
One of the most intense psychedelic and bizarre experiences I had while being undiagnosed happened next. I listened to a DJ Doboy mix of vocal trance music, and couldn’t stop crying for the entire thing. I began to realize for sure that I was a Peiadian alien sent from space to this planet for some reason. I went on the internet and began to add random people on to my Facebook account that I believed to be Pleiadian brothers or sisters. The feeling of being an alien from a culture you believe to be real is quite an experience that is difficult to describe. I guess everything seemed “blue”, and that I had a microphone piece attached and that I could communicate with other Pleiadians on earth and at “home” via telepathy.
This experience would later come to define myself and be the foundation for many other Pleiadian experiences.
Easily the most terrifying thing that happened to me was the time I wet the bed from fear. I was trying to sleep in bed with my girlfriend, and began to believe that the train I could hear in the distance was actually the train to hell and that it was trying to kill me and take me to hell, a place I didn’t belong. As I heard the train, I was literally sucked into another dimension for about three hours. This dimension was extremely colorful and we were moving very fast. There were black holes everywhere and I was latched on to her, trying to maneuver away from the black holes. I felt the presence and saw an angel manifested from somebody we knew in real life named Sabrina Flux. (Not sure if this is her real name.) With her help and protection, we managed to survive not being sucked into a black hole. I felt pulled on, and extremely exhausted by the end of this. Afterwards, I slipped into a half sleep sort of feeling, though definitely awake, because what happened next felt like a long movie. I felt as if I was being narrated via color patterns and a deep voice the origin of the universe and how it came to be and the existence of aliens, all leading up to modern times. By the time it was morning and I slipped out of this experience, it felt as if another four hours had passed by. I was hearing children laughing far away and believed I was somehow back on my home planet in the Pleiades. I was embarrassed to get out of bed due to peeing in it, but eventually I started my day. My girlfriend was really angry that I did that, despite trying to explain the most frightening nightmare of my life and feeling like she was being ungrateful that for half of that time I was trying to save her life, despite the experience being real or not.
Another “black hole” experience occurred later while I was driving alone. I was approaching an exit I needed to take on the highway and I felt my mind begin to darken. I felt a black hole open up inside of my brain, and was sucked through it. My soul then left it’s body, went towards the sun and transformed like a transformers robot into a small little cube and blasted off into the sun and disappeared, leaving me feeling as if I had gone through some sort of rebirth process. I was very disoriented and managed to finish the rest of the drive home, leaving me with another intense experience I would remember for the rest of my life.
Things only got weirder as time progressed.
Drugs and schizophrenia
Being a musician for a few years now, I had produced some progressively more psychedelic tunes, that being my style. I enjoyed listening to them and sharing them with my many friends. Between my girlfriend and I, we had read a few books about enlightenment and psychedelic tools of navigating the realms held within them. Anyways, I tripped on some very potent Penis Envy mushroom caps, and so did she. Before the trip really hit me, I listened to my song “One Night Transcendence”. I believe it self-hypnotized me, because I felt like a different person afterwards. I felt severely tripped out. Scared, mixed emotions, a sense of enlightenment, uncertainty the purpose of the song. I began tripping hard now and went into a hallucinated forest within my apartment. I grew drowsy and felt lost in this forest. It had many creepy moments and as I contemplated the song, I realized that it was my dark alter dimension ego that had created that song, and not me. I felt even more scared, and as I tried to sleep the forest encroached upon us. My girlfriend and I lay in bed beneath a giant tree and I covered us with leaves to protect us from predators. This was a very dark forest and actually inspired my next song. Before I could ever finish my next song though, my mom was becoming increasingly worried about my “Planet and stars worship”. She drove down 1200 miles from Georgia to visit me, and with my consent, I was put into a mental hospital for 3 weeks.
Pets and schizophrenia
We had 6 rats. Crescent (Moon), Ayla(I represented her with Love), Buna, Andromeda, Shinobi(Ninja). I believed that they were all psychic rats, and that Andromeda was representing the next galaxy over and that my girlfriend and I’s personality would be a test for their species to get to a peace treaty with the Milky Way. Here’s some humor for you: It must not have ended well because we ended up feeding her to an outside possum on a rainy night. *CRUNCH* *squeals*. Shinobi represented the mass people and the overall state of the collective consciousness, Ayla was our little love child, and Crescent was another Pleiadian in a rat body(she was our favorite.)
My stay at the hospital
Optimistically, I entered the hospital and signed all the forms to become an inpatient there. I believed that it was a secret government facility that was harboring other Pleiadians to protect us from the government. My girlfriend’s internet handle was smart-military and I felt safe here, like we were going to use my psychic power to help launch an anti-military secret spy job to abolish the world military and replace it with peace and love. If I haven’t mentioned it before, ultimately my goal during most of my schizophrenic adventures was for world harmony and the ascension into the higher dimension.
So when I first entered the floor with all the other patients, I quickly burst into tears at the coloring table. Images of my girlfriend filled me mind as if through a funnel, each one differently representing her and I felt as if she was the most beautiful thing alive and that I would never see her again. I was briefly comforted, a lot of people looked at me, I colored for a few minutes between tears, and then I was shown my room.
The hospital itself was pretty bad. We were given smoke breaks with free community cigarettes about 4 or 5 times a day, and at least one big meal. There were usually snacks everywhere, but the beds were uncomfortable. It was here that I felt that I learned how to Channel (Intuitively or through a psychic means, communicate like a telephone to anybody or anything I wished). I tried telling the doctor I could see auras, but he didn’t seem to understand anything I was saying. I got transferred twice. First to an overflow room, then to a level 2 floor. I was there for about 3 weeks, and I also developed my ability to “crack open the code” of a person’s name and to understand their spiritual nature. I believed everything had a purpose, we were all connected spiritually and that there was a way to discover this connection through a system of numerology and dissecting the letters in a person’s full name to turn them into numbers which were assigned meaning.
I drew a bizarre picture for my girlfriend that essentially was promising the dawn of this new age approaching and that soon we would discover a brand new color never before perceived, and that we were two very special witnesses to this time in history. She loved the drawing and even believed me.
6 months later…
I had been practicing much of my numerology on friends, explaining their names and numbers. Some found it interesting, others seemed less interested. Mostly it was me finding meaning in nothing. It became an obsessive hobby and soon I was doing it with license plates, transaction totals at work, among many other things to find strings of coincidences.
That summer, my friend A.J. was reported dead, drowned in a lake with his head cut open from the blades of his brand new boat. He died on the 3rd day of the month, and I had given him 3 hugs that day before he left to the lake. Being born on the 3rd, and also a carpenter, I deciphered AJ’s name to be “A Jordan”, or “anybody”. Somehow to me this made sense, and the fact that I was raised Christian and still held some Christian beliefs in the resurrection I was with complete certainty that he was Jesus, and he sacrificed his life to leave me with his Christ Consciousness energy. My girlfriend even believed most of this, and encouraged it, asking me if I felt like Jesus as I began wandering around outside barefoot more frequently. I changed my computer background to represent AJ’s face, and would show it to people asking if they knew him. Most were very confused. I DJed at a party and believed I had a guest list with the responsibility of naming everyone that was getting into heaven. I named as many people as I could, and then wandered the party searching for the event thrower so that I could give him my list to ensure that the people on that list would be saved. She took the list, looked at it rather confused, then handed it back to me.
I went on with this for about a year before I received too much rejection and the belief phased out. My girlfriend and I phased out at this point and we broke up, leaving me to a two bedroom apartment all to myself.
Now that the other reinforcing and debating half of myself was no longer around, my mind was free to wander. I was expecting a book in the mail called “How to survive the 5th dimension and kick ass”. In preparation of the coming 4th dimensional shift (the prequel to the 5th dimensional shift). After reading it, it became a very coveted book to me and I treated it like the ultimate secret. I wanted to share it all with my friends, but I felt empowered and God-like. I was under the impression I could control weather through my mind, communicate to people telepathically, and even fight in the war between aliens and mankind to free humans from our spiritual bondage of low frequency in order to ascend to the higher frequency. I believed I was flying a holographic spaceship. I believed that by doing pushups and sit ups I could pressure evil scientific think tanks to release the cure for cancer that they were hiding. I truly believed I was fighting evil with my thoughts and actions, and created rituals to satisfy the divine nature of reality. Incense, stretches, hand movements.
On the bright side, the book which had become my mantra, was encouraging me to become creative. So I became extremely creative, but the downside was that my creativity was reinforced my insanity. Such as believing that if I cut out the bar code from the book and replaced it with a picture of my own art, people would believe that I wrote the book and then become confused what to do, and that I could use this to my advantage to control them.
I think that book changed my perspective from peace and love, to see who I could control the most and put under my influence. The book suggested a detoxification process to get you closer to the light, which was like a way of powering up or becoming more godly and remembering the capabilities of one’s brain.
My art became atrociously disorganized and messy, and so did my work. I spent many months alone in my apartment, racing around doing pushups and sit ups, some photography, and playing in my Zen garden. I began to read Buddhist books in increasing complexity ranging from basic philosophies to the “Bhagavad Gita” to extreme Zen practices.
I felt at peace with my evil dark negative infinity self and that it was a necessary part of the balance of the universe. I even tried to recreate a portal to open up the dimension to that aspect of myself to let him exist. I believed I was a genius and had access to special realms of reality and could travel through them by meditating, artwork, and in my dreams. I recorded my dreams and would share them with my now dwindling roster of friends. (Which ended up dwindling them even more as my dreams were very hard to distinguish from reality for me.)
I became a wizard, a genius, a guru, that didn’t need to do anything in order to survive. The universe would provide for me. I continued to work at my job, but was soon fired for disorganized behavior. I later lost two more jobs and ended up having to move back to Georgia with my family after they became really worried.
At one point I had a follower I met by a coffee shop that I would share all of my bizarre meditation secrets with and virtually all of my beliefs. I would riddle him and tease him and tell him half-truths of falsehoods and he believed them. After I moved I never heard from him again or answered his phone texts.
I believed I could control reality consciously by thinking and programming events to happen with my mind. I would receive some reinforcement when they sometimes began to work in a strange way. For instance, I would trace 10$ bills in hopes to find more money, take a walk, and then find a 10$ bill on the ground. My rituals were becoming more pagan than divine, and even dangerous, such as balancing heavy objects on 5 parts of my body, and doing strange dances with lit incense. Setting them down and timing myself to see how many other activities I could accomplish before it burned out.
I drew for hours, hearing many voices and developing them further. My personality was more different than it had ever been. I was extremely open to anything, and I felt genuinely connected to every shred of existence. I was a friendly culture enthusiast vegan hoping to attract a mate that was similar to me.
As time went on, I loaned my 5th dimensional book to an artist friend of mine that never returned it. He had the book for about a year, and I became jealous of him and his skills. I felt like he was using its power to 1up me and steal all of the creative energy that was flowing down to earth before the 4th dimension occurred. I spent every waking hour plotting some new creative project that would smash his. My goal was to become a better painter/artist than he was. I wanted to start an underground music scene in the college town I lived in and was making plans to do it. I was going to cut up my artwork into tiny squares, and start taping them everywhere I could in the city, waiting for people to find them. The idea was never fully formed though before I actually went to an underground rave before I had gotten the feeling of being responsible for throwing one. Of course, he was there and some of his artwork was displayed there. I felt infuriated and dizzy. How could he have beaten me to it? He must have stolen my brain, I thought.
It went back to a time I asked him to teach me to paint, and as I painted just a little, he soon went back over and covered it up and created a new painting on top of what was supposed to be a collaboration with me. I felt like my soul was trapped in it and that I couldn’t get out. I had a second miniature painting that I thought was pretty good, but he had lost it.
Feeling defeated, I went home early. Soon after, I went to a bar and he was performing a live painting. To my horror, it looked exactly like something I had done, but with a locked keyhole at the horizon. I believed he had somehow performed an artistic ritual to steal my heart and forever grant him the abilities of my talents and thoughts, the things that made me unique. I left quickly, and even days later, I saw a picture posted online of a picture his son had drawn. It was a messy painting with a heart. I believed that it was my heart, and that his son had somehow helped him perform this ritual.
I felt utterly trapped and panicked, like we were at war. I would spend late nights trying to figure out how to escape, and became fearful and paranoid of everything and what he was doing.
I tried forgetting about it and making different projects, but none of them seemed to compare to match the emotional intensity of this new delusion I was wrapped in. I began trying to “steal my key” back through my drawings, and was completely trapped behind this door. I began to wonder if it was a closet, if I was gay, if I could ever get out, if I would end up killing myself… to blaming others, and even thoughts of killing my ex-girlfriend and one of her friends I had stopped talking to. The more I drew, the more the voices would haunt me. I finally felt liberated after moving back to Georgia and drawing an interesting dimensional key lock that HE wouldn’t be able to open that would grant my family good fortune and wealth.
I really feel like I’ve summed up most of what I wanted to get across to the reader as the things I’ve experienced while being diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia. There may be more things to add, and there are certainly a ton more minor events and beliefs I held during this time, but for now this blog is finished.
When I have time I will add some poetry I used to write, and if anybody asks, I will post pictures.
To wrap things up, I am currently living with my family in Georgia and I am medicated, have been working for almost 2 years and am having normal thoughts and I’m happy.
These ghosts will haunt me forever though. Thankfully I can cheerfully translate these feelings into artwork and even give that away to someone if I choose to :)
—Jordan
It's nice to meet you and have an awesome day!!
Please feel free to check out my channels on the Audio Art page to listen to my Art or my Youtube channels for Book Readings.
Be Kind To Your Self & Treat Others With Kindness
I have disorganized schizophrenia, so I like to raise mental health awareness as well as create audio and visual artwork.
I wrote a philosophy/poetry book, after having spending years recovering from vivid hallucinations.
I wrote it when I was 27 years old. If you want to read it, click the words of this sentence.
It's pretty interesting if you're interested in seeing how the mind of an imaginative visualizer likes to portray existence. In many of the same respects, I find my self fascinated by my own musings, I would begin to hope you might, too.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
Anyways without further ado:
This will be an account of my journey into schizophrenia, what I experienced, Who I met, How I thought, How it affected my behavior, What I felt and how it has affected me afterwards now that I am medicated.
It is meant to be truthful, if you have any questions or wish to make a connection simply message me.
I will periodically include pictures, many anecdotes, dive in to the world of art briefly, and explain how I sometimes miss being schizophrenic.
My story also includes my ex-girlfriend that was with me for a lot of it. I believe she may have some type of schizophrenia, too, because I was easily able to convince her many of my beliefs. There is a term for this, and it is:
Folie à deux ( French for “a madness shared by two”)
There are 3 prominent symptoms of disorganized Schizophrenia. They are:
· Disorganized speech
· Disorganized behavior
· Flat or inappropriate affect (emotional expression and response)
I wish it was as simple as that, but at least for me, it become quite complicated. Anyways, let us begin.
WARNING: This story contains drug use. If this offends you, please stop reading now.
Story
How I learned I had schizophrenia.
I must have been about 16 years old when I first tried out using the term in a journal entry of mine. I used to use anything I could get my hands on to vent my thoughts. Friends, Internet Blogs (Xanga, Livejournal), colored composition notebooks.
It was a suggestion as to why my thoughts are always so random. I would write poetry about the moon cracking into pieces, gaining personalities and then attacking the earth, thus ending all life, so on and so forth.
I remember using a lavender color shading when I wrote that poem and then wrote to myself, “I wonder if I have schizophrenia?”
I wouldn’t learn until 7 years later that I actually did have it. After visiting a few doctors and psychologists and then taking some long memory and short math and language arts tests, I was diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia.
The signs of development
During my stay and initial trek into solo exploration of life, I was staying at my best friend’s house in Mid-Cities, Texas. They had a large family of 8 living in one roof, plus me. Very complicated! Anyways. I had taken up a particular interest in metaphysics, and essentially how the universe exists and why it should or shouldn’t. I had formed a few theories, but besides all of that life was going swell. I was working at a pizza shop as a delivery driver and had just tried ecstasy for the first time, which heavily inspired me into my first artistic endeavors.
Among things I believed during these pre-mature times, was that I had witnessed a black hole open up close to the microwave one evening, and that I could meditate into my soul and lose sense of reality, being aware of myself only as a floating orb of light.
Prior to meeting my ex-gf, I had been hitting up rave clubs, experimenting with psychedelic drugs, DJing, and a bit of music production. We met online, and I had recently just watched a video about something called a Twin Flame. Apparently it is something like a soul mate, but even better. Very new-agey.
Within the first month or two of us hanging out every week, I finally decided and felt it was right to tell her she was my Twin Flame. I showed her the video and she became enraptured with the idea. We were inseparable after that, and as I finished up my first music project, “Just a Thought”, my creativity really blew apart into pieces I would spend the next two years picking up.
Going to college
Being in college now, I had given up my life in Mid-Cities to move to Denton Texas and pursue a degree in philosophy with my girlfriend. I was deep into the culture of metaphysics and auras, chakra systems and the whole “you are one with the universe” mindset. I was a crystal collector, and liked to meditate a lot. My girlfriend’s initial reaction was mostly passive, she thought it was interesting at best but didn’t share all of these loves of mine. I began to believe in Buddha, Shiva, Vishnu, Avalokitasvara, Ganesh, and many other eastern gods and goddesses. I believed they were all in a hierarchy in the heavens above us.
My mind constantly raced with musical possibilities. I would convince her I was hearing myself in the future and the music I would make. Soon she begin to ask what it sounded like, then assuring me she could hear it. I would spend hours explaining the possibilities of the software I was using at the time and man, was it just hours? It would be days and months that passed before I began to simmer down with all that kind of talk. I began to believe I was invisible and nobody could see me. I would take walks as an invisible being. I felt like I had been sent from the future and that I was an enlightened one, sent here to make sure humanity evolves without too much trouble.
I believed we would ascend to a higher dimension and become gifted with abilities beyond our imagination, unlocking our minds and hearts and living in peace and unity. I dreamed of discovering galaxies at the edge of the universe, exploring every nook and cranny for 100 billion trillion years, until the gates of infinity opened and took us to another universe, experiencing endless possibilities of new, grand things. If it was a particularly horrifying universe, I believed we would be able to experience it safely with our highly evolved bodies and technology, and still be able to enjoy it.
I saw geometry everywhere and soon I got an artistic burst from out of nowhere that really started a style I still use in my current work. Later I learned it was just a way to channel my schizophrenia.
To detail it, I would draw patterns while listening to music, believing I could “capture” a secret picture from the music based on drawing according to the rhythm or intensity of the song. I would listen to DJ mixes and draw for hours a day. Much of my artwork was based on the inner mind, and I even believed that what I was creating was coming to life in a literal sense. I believed in astral realms and realms made of ether, and that I could manipulate them. This belief intensified as time went on.
Anecdotes
This is a collection of experiences, some recurring, that happened to me that I believe to be related to schizophrenia.
One of the most notable experiences I had was while I was alone at home while living in a 4 person student apartment home.
I was in my room alone, pondering things and relaxing in a gaming chair. I leaned back, and my brain began to melt. I had been playing super smash bros. recently, and thought it was strange that I, a human player, could manipulate another character on the screen of this video game by using a controller. I felt that it was analogous and proof of a higher god that could peer into my life at any time he chooses, and could possibly even be controlling me. “How can my brain be interacting with these characters on the screen to give them commands?” I thought. As I lay back in the chair thinking of this, suddenly it felt like I went into warp drive to the edge of the universe only to discover nothing. Nothing but an altar-version of myself, sitting in the same gaming chair, except this version was incredibly evil. He was a space commander, in a gigantic holographic spaceship, traveling through the universe. I sensed blackness all around me and my head was swirling. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like a negative infinity ego death. It was absolutely terrifying and lasted a few minutes.
After that, I baked a pizza and was absolutely convinced the pizza had changed shape and the pepperonis now resembled a heart, which was a special gift to me from the aliens (I believed in a benevolent civilization of aliens from the Pleiadian star system that was watching over our planet, and me and my girlfriend especially). I tried to convince my girlfriend of the pizza, but she found it ridiculous.
Following this experience, at least three more big things happened that I will remember forever.
I owned a grey alien incense holder that held the incense stick at an angle like a flag. One day I had a small ritual of lighting the incense, and an idea began to spawn that I could see through dimensions, and what I had experienced on the chair was my negative eighth dimension self.
I had a series of video games called Megaman X, ranging from X to X6. I pulled out the game disc containers and began to stack them like a spiraling staircase, believing this to be the correct order of layered dimensions. As I stacked them, I realized that the 8th dimension was the gateway to all the other dimensions, being that 8 sideways is infinity. I got a pencil coloring box and the grey alien and began to put things in the box, believing to be under psychic control from the being and that I must appease it with gifts in order to prevent it from destroying the eighth dimension and the gateway to infinity.
I felt like I had dabbled with some forces I should not be getting into and very guilty and horrified I would screw something up. I was a mess, and had virtually no coherent thoughts. My girlfriend learned of this, and called a spiritual healer we knew through the grapevine. He was apparently a previous student of an artist named Alex Grey (A talented psychedelic artist) named Jason Estes.
He drove out to us and asked me to come outside due to their being too much “negative” energy in the house. I went to our apartment’s basketball court and he had me sit down and gave me a healing angel to hold to try and balance my energy. I could barely even hold it, I was so anxious.
He “healed” me, told me he saw a giant spirit butterfly which was a good sign, and to be careful because between my girlfriend and I, we had enough power to split the universe. I looked up and associated his advice with a tarot card reading I had recently received involving chaos.
The third experience was again related to some stimuli I had received while reading about conceptual spirit science.
I had seen a picture of a human being exploded into guts by Alex Grey, and read a description about how it was the destruction of this being that allowed it to reincarnate later in time as a great spiritual healer.
Anyway, I was at home with my girlfriend and around midnight I began to feel all the energy from heart drain downwards like a spiral. It emptied, and then I felt a black hole in its place. I became extremely reflective of my life, and a voice began to tell me that I was about to die a violent horrible death and that I was going to explode like the person in the picture book, but it was a necessary death that would be for the good of humanity. I felt scared that I would leave this world so suddenly (and probably painfully), and also I felt bad that someone was going to have to clean my guts from the wall.
I tried to explain it to my girlfriend but she believed it to be ridiculous. I locked myself in my room waiting for the final moment, and made just a few phone calls. I didn’t explain that I would die though, but I felt a lot like Jesus in the sense I would be dying for the greater good of humanity. I felt at peace with it very quickly, but by about 12:15 am, I realized maybe it wasn’t going to happen. I felt spared and emotional, ended up getting in a fight with my girlfriend and being locked out of her room.
One of the most intense psychedelic and bizarre experiences I had while being undiagnosed happened next. I listened to a DJ Doboy mix of vocal trance music, and couldn’t stop crying for the entire thing. I began to realize for sure that I was a Peiadian alien sent from space to this planet for some reason. I went on the internet and began to add random people on to my Facebook account that I believed to be Pleiadian brothers or sisters. The feeling of being an alien from a culture you believe to be real is quite an experience that is difficult to describe. I guess everything seemed “blue”, and that I had a microphone piece attached and that I could communicate with other Pleiadians on earth and at “home” via telepathy.
This experience would later come to define myself and be the foundation for many other Pleiadian experiences.
Easily the most terrifying thing that happened to me was the time I wet the bed from fear. I was trying to sleep in bed with my girlfriend, and began to believe that the train I could hear in the distance was actually the train to hell and that it was trying to kill me and take me to hell, a place I didn’t belong. As I heard the train, I was literally sucked into another dimension for about three hours. This dimension was extremely colorful and we were moving very fast. There were black holes everywhere and I was latched on to her, trying to maneuver away from the black holes. I felt the presence and saw an angel manifested from somebody we knew in real life named Sabrina Flux. (Not sure if this is her real name.) With her help and protection, we managed to survive not being sucked into a black hole. I felt pulled on, and extremely exhausted by the end of this. Afterwards, I slipped into a half sleep sort of feeling, though definitely awake, because what happened next felt like a long movie. I felt as if I was being narrated via color patterns and a deep voice the origin of the universe and how it came to be and the existence of aliens, all leading up to modern times. By the time it was morning and I slipped out of this experience, it felt as if another four hours had passed by. I was hearing children laughing far away and believed I was somehow back on my home planet in the Pleiades. I was embarrassed to get out of bed due to peeing in it, but eventually I started my day. My girlfriend was really angry that I did that, despite trying to explain the most frightening nightmare of my life and feeling like she was being ungrateful that for half of that time I was trying to save her life, despite the experience being real or not.
Another “black hole” experience occurred later while I was driving alone. I was approaching an exit I needed to take on the highway and I felt my mind begin to darken. I felt a black hole open up inside of my brain, and was sucked through it. My soul then left it’s body, went towards the sun and transformed like a transformers robot into a small little cube and blasted off into the sun and disappeared, leaving me feeling as if I had gone through some sort of rebirth process. I was very disoriented and managed to finish the rest of the drive home, leaving me with another intense experience I would remember for the rest of my life.
Things only got weirder as time progressed.
Drugs and schizophrenia
Being a musician for a few years now, I had produced some progressively more psychedelic tunes, that being my style. I enjoyed listening to them and sharing them with my many friends. Between my girlfriend and I, we had read a few books about enlightenment and psychedelic tools of navigating the realms held within them. Anyways, I tripped on some very potent Penis Envy mushroom caps, and so did she. Before the trip really hit me, I listened to my song “One Night Transcendence”. I believe it self-hypnotized me, because I felt like a different person afterwards. I felt severely tripped out. Scared, mixed emotions, a sense of enlightenment, uncertainty the purpose of the song. I began tripping hard now and went into a hallucinated forest within my apartment. I grew drowsy and felt lost in this forest. It had many creepy moments and as I contemplated the song, I realized that it was my dark alter dimension ego that had created that song, and not me. I felt even more scared, and as I tried to sleep the forest encroached upon us. My girlfriend and I lay in bed beneath a giant tree and I covered us with leaves to protect us from predators. This was a very dark forest and actually inspired my next song. Before I could ever finish my next song though, my mom was becoming increasingly worried about my “Planet and stars worship”. She drove down 1200 miles from Georgia to visit me, and with my consent, I was put into a mental hospital for 3 weeks.
Pets and schizophrenia
We had 6 rats. Crescent (Moon), Ayla(I represented her with Love), Buna, Andromeda, Shinobi(Ninja). I believed that they were all psychic rats, and that Andromeda was representing the next galaxy over and that my girlfriend and I’s personality would be a test for their species to get to a peace treaty with the Milky Way. Here’s some humor for you: It must not have ended well because we ended up feeding her to an outside possum on a rainy night. *CRUNCH* *squeals*. Shinobi represented the mass people and the overall state of the collective consciousness, Ayla was our little love child, and Crescent was another Pleiadian in a rat body(she was our favorite.)
My stay at the hospital
Optimistically, I entered the hospital and signed all the forms to become an inpatient there. I believed that it was a secret government facility that was harboring other Pleiadians to protect us from the government. My girlfriend’s internet handle was smart-military and I felt safe here, like we were going to use my psychic power to help launch an anti-military secret spy job to abolish the world military and replace it with peace and love. If I haven’t mentioned it before, ultimately my goal during most of my schizophrenic adventures was for world harmony and the ascension into the higher dimension.
So when I first entered the floor with all the other patients, I quickly burst into tears at the coloring table. Images of my girlfriend filled me mind as if through a funnel, each one differently representing her and I felt as if she was the most beautiful thing alive and that I would never see her again. I was briefly comforted, a lot of people looked at me, I colored for a few minutes between tears, and then I was shown my room.
The hospital itself was pretty bad. We were given smoke breaks with free community cigarettes about 4 or 5 times a day, and at least one big meal. There were usually snacks everywhere, but the beds were uncomfortable. It was here that I felt that I learned how to Channel (Intuitively or through a psychic means, communicate like a telephone to anybody or anything I wished). I tried telling the doctor I could see auras, but he didn’t seem to understand anything I was saying. I got transferred twice. First to an overflow room, then to a level 2 floor. I was there for about 3 weeks, and I also developed my ability to “crack open the code” of a person’s name and to understand their spiritual nature. I believed everything had a purpose, we were all connected spiritually and that there was a way to discover this connection through a system of numerology and dissecting the letters in a person’s full name to turn them into numbers which were assigned meaning.
I drew a bizarre picture for my girlfriend that essentially was promising the dawn of this new age approaching and that soon we would discover a brand new color never before perceived, and that we were two very special witnesses to this time in history. She loved the drawing and even believed me.
6 months later…
I had been practicing much of my numerology on friends, explaining their names and numbers. Some found it interesting, others seemed less interested. Mostly it was me finding meaning in nothing. It became an obsessive hobby and soon I was doing it with license plates, transaction totals at work, among many other things to find strings of coincidences.
That summer, my friend A.J. was reported dead, drowned in a lake with his head cut open from the blades of his brand new boat. He died on the 3rd day of the month, and I had given him 3 hugs that day before he left to the lake. Being born on the 3rd, and also a carpenter, I deciphered AJ’s name to be “A Jordan”, or “anybody”. Somehow to me this made sense, and the fact that I was raised Christian and still held some Christian beliefs in the resurrection I was with complete certainty that he was Jesus, and he sacrificed his life to leave me with his Christ Consciousness energy. My girlfriend even believed most of this, and encouraged it, asking me if I felt like Jesus as I began wandering around outside barefoot more frequently. I changed my computer background to represent AJ’s face, and would show it to people asking if they knew him. Most were very confused. I DJed at a party and believed I had a guest list with the responsibility of naming everyone that was getting into heaven. I named as many people as I could, and then wandered the party searching for the event thrower so that I could give him my list to ensure that the people on that list would be saved. She took the list, looked at it rather confused, then handed it back to me.
I went on with this for about a year before I received too much rejection and the belief phased out. My girlfriend and I phased out at this point and we broke up, leaving me to a two bedroom apartment all to myself.
Now that the other reinforcing and debating half of myself was no longer around, my mind was free to wander. I was expecting a book in the mail called “How to survive the 5th dimension and kick ass”. In preparation of the coming 4th dimensional shift (the prequel to the 5th dimensional shift). After reading it, it became a very coveted book to me and I treated it like the ultimate secret. I wanted to share it all with my friends, but I felt empowered and God-like. I was under the impression I could control weather through my mind, communicate to people telepathically, and even fight in the war between aliens and mankind to free humans from our spiritual bondage of low frequency in order to ascend to the higher frequency. I believed I was flying a holographic spaceship. I believed that by doing pushups and sit ups I could pressure evil scientific think tanks to release the cure for cancer that they were hiding. I truly believed I was fighting evil with my thoughts and actions, and created rituals to satisfy the divine nature of reality. Incense, stretches, hand movements.
On the bright side, the book which had become my mantra, was encouraging me to become creative. So I became extremely creative, but the downside was that my creativity was reinforced my insanity. Such as believing that if I cut out the bar code from the book and replaced it with a picture of my own art, people would believe that I wrote the book and then become confused what to do, and that I could use this to my advantage to control them.
I think that book changed my perspective from peace and love, to see who I could control the most and put under my influence. The book suggested a detoxification process to get you closer to the light, which was like a way of powering up or becoming more godly and remembering the capabilities of one’s brain.
My art became atrociously disorganized and messy, and so did my work. I spent many months alone in my apartment, racing around doing pushups and sit ups, some photography, and playing in my Zen garden. I began to read Buddhist books in increasing complexity ranging from basic philosophies to the “Bhagavad Gita” to extreme Zen practices.
I felt at peace with my evil dark negative infinity self and that it was a necessary part of the balance of the universe. I even tried to recreate a portal to open up the dimension to that aspect of myself to let him exist. I believed I was a genius and had access to special realms of reality and could travel through them by meditating, artwork, and in my dreams. I recorded my dreams and would share them with my now dwindling roster of friends. (Which ended up dwindling them even more as my dreams were very hard to distinguish from reality for me.)
I became a wizard, a genius, a guru, that didn’t need to do anything in order to survive. The universe would provide for me. I continued to work at my job, but was soon fired for disorganized behavior. I later lost two more jobs and ended up having to move back to Georgia with my family after they became really worried.
At one point I had a follower I met by a coffee shop that I would share all of my bizarre meditation secrets with and virtually all of my beliefs. I would riddle him and tease him and tell him half-truths of falsehoods and he believed them. After I moved I never heard from him again or answered his phone texts.
I believed I could control reality consciously by thinking and programming events to happen with my mind. I would receive some reinforcement when they sometimes began to work in a strange way. For instance, I would trace 10$ bills in hopes to find more money, take a walk, and then find a 10$ bill on the ground. My rituals were becoming more pagan than divine, and even dangerous, such as balancing heavy objects on 5 parts of my body, and doing strange dances with lit incense. Setting them down and timing myself to see how many other activities I could accomplish before it burned out.
I drew for hours, hearing many voices and developing them further. My personality was more different than it had ever been. I was extremely open to anything, and I felt genuinely connected to every shred of existence. I was a friendly culture enthusiast vegan hoping to attract a mate that was similar to me.
As time went on, I loaned my 5th dimensional book to an artist friend of mine that never returned it. He had the book for about a year, and I became jealous of him and his skills. I felt like he was using its power to 1up me and steal all of the creative energy that was flowing down to earth before the 4th dimension occurred. I spent every waking hour plotting some new creative project that would smash his. My goal was to become a better painter/artist than he was. I wanted to start an underground music scene in the college town I lived in and was making plans to do it. I was going to cut up my artwork into tiny squares, and start taping them everywhere I could in the city, waiting for people to find them. The idea was never fully formed though before I actually went to an underground rave before I had gotten the feeling of being responsible for throwing one. Of course, he was there and some of his artwork was displayed there. I felt infuriated and dizzy. How could he have beaten me to it? He must have stolen my brain, I thought.
It went back to a time I asked him to teach me to paint, and as I painted just a little, he soon went back over and covered it up and created a new painting on top of what was supposed to be a collaboration with me. I felt like my soul was trapped in it and that I couldn’t get out. I had a second miniature painting that I thought was pretty good, but he had lost it.
Feeling defeated, I went home early. Soon after, I went to a bar and he was performing a live painting. To my horror, it looked exactly like something I had done, but with a locked keyhole at the horizon. I believed he had somehow performed an artistic ritual to steal my heart and forever grant him the abilities of my talents and thoughts, the things that made me unique. I left quickly, and even days later, I saw a picture posted online of a picture his son had drawn. It was a messy painting with a heart. I believed that it was my heart, and that his son had somehow helped him perform this ritual.
I felt utterly trapped and panicked, like we were at war. I would spend late nights trying to figure out how to escape, and became fearful and paranoid of everything and what he was doing.
I tried forgetting about it and making different projects, but none of them seemed to compare to match the emotional intensity of this new delusion I was wrapped in. I began trying to “steal my key” back through my drawings, and was completely trapped behind this door. I began to wonder if it was a closet, if I was gay, if I could ever get out, if I would end up killing myself… to blaming others, and even thoughts of killing my ex-girlfriend and one of her friends I had stopped talking to. The more I drew, the more the voices would haunt me. I finally felt liberated after moving back to Georgia and drawing an interesting dimensional key lock that HE wouldn’t be able to open that would grant my family good fortune and wealth.
I really feel like I’ve summed up most of what I wanted to get across to the reader as the things I’ve experienced while being diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia. There may be more things to add, and there are certainly a ton more minor events and beliefs I held during this time, but for now this blog is finished.
When I have time I will add some poetry I used to write, and if anybody asks, I will post pictures.
To wrap things up, I am currently living with my family in Georgia and I am medicated, have been working for almost 2 years and am having normal thoughts and I’m happy.
These ghosts will haunt me forever though. Thankfully I can cheerfully translate these feelings into artwork and even give that away to someone if I choose to :)
—Jordan
